This winter is going to be remembered as the winter of the Polar Vortex. Sort of sounds like something out of a Marvel comic…..”The evil Doctor Vortex has attacked the East Cost with his freezing death ray, covering half the country under a blanket of snow an ice! Entire cities are crippled with traffic brought to a standstill! Will our super hero Captain Trade Winds and his side kick the bikini clad Tropical Sunshine be able to melt the layer of ice that covers our cities and banish Dr. Vortex back to the frozen depths of the North Pole!  Be sure to stay tuned for next week’s episode! “

                I had never heard of the Polar Vortex before this winter.  The weather wizards had always talked about a “Canadian Arctic blast”  so I just figured the cold snaps we had were a Canadian conspiracy to make us Americans suffer some of the cold they had to put up with every winter. Now the scientists tell us we have to deal with the “Stratospheric Polar Vortexes,” really? I swear they are just making this up to get better ratings. In their defense they did provide proof that these things did exist prior to this winter by showing us a text book written back in the eights that mentioned the existence of this evil force that lurked to the north of us.

                Personally I think they should have warned us a bit before now that we were within the range of this hideous frozen monster. I really feel for those living on their boats north of the Mason Dixon line knowing what it has been like here in the Mid South. Teresa and I were completely iced in this past week and I do not mean the boat was frozen in, but we were. The boat, the dock, the parking lot, in fact the whole damn town was coated in 2” of sleet and ice. We ventured out to the dock twice in 3 days and felt like we were on the ice planet Hoth from star wars without a Tauntaun. When Teresa stepped off the boat onto the dock her feet went in two different directions with a look on her face like she was giving birth again. Personally I did not know she could do a split like that and I am pretty sure she did not either. I will keep the rest of my comments about this incident to myself, discretion being the better part of valor and all.

Teresa on ramp crop

                We did make it up the frozen ramp to the parking lot which had become an ice skating rink the Olympic committee would be proud of. A very quick trip up the hill to look at the river exposed us to the harsh bite of the polar vortex winds howling in from the north. As we are both true wimps when it comes to the cold we had to retreat back to the boat within a few minutes. I will say going back down the ice covered ramp was a bit of a comedy act. The aluminum ramps were covered in a solid sheet of ice sloped strategically towards the water. Should one slip and fall on the way down a dunking would be a sure thing. With death grips on the hand rails we were able to control our descent enough to make it safely back to the warmth of our mother ship.

                I do feel for those further North, as I type this they are talking more snow and winter storms for the whole top half of the country. I have lived aboard in NY during the winters and that is not something I care to repeat. I just not believe we were designed for all this cold stuff and it only makes me more convinced I need to get my ass further South. There is just something wrong about a sailboat being covered in snow and  ice, I really believe sailboats should be cover in tropical sunshine…..and maybe a girl in a bikini or two would not hurt…..ahhh I am feeling warmer already now all I need is some rum punch and a bit of Reggie and just maybe I will get through this Polar Vortex crap.

Capt. Wayne

Florida Snowman


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